President Biden had his State of the Union speech yesterday. Since many people don’t speak the language of plastic men, I figured I’d provide the translation into common English. I’ve pulled out what I thought were the real zingers and I’ve provided the translation in brackets. Hat tip to my buddy who kicked off the translation with me last night for grins.
If you’re a masochist, the full speech is available here.
The State of the Union 2022 - Key Highlights
THE PRESIDENT: Madam Speaker, Madam Vice President, our First Lady and Second Gentleman. Members of Congress and the Cabinet. Justices of the Supreme Court. My fellow Americans.
Last year COVID-19 kept us apart. This year we are finally together again.
[THE TRANSLATION: To my accomplices and my serfs, I speak to you today in hopes that this speech will inspire you to re-elect my ass. Over the last few years, we have been advocating for lockdowns, masking, double-masking, double-masking with face shields and goggles, social distancing, segregation of the unvaccinated, coercion of the non-compliant, following the pseudoscience, canceling those who challenged the pseudoscience, squashing dissent, etc. But this year, forget we did any of that stuff. In fact, we didn’t advocate for any of that stuff. You’re crazy if you think otherwise. We were always promoting freedom, individual choice, natural immunity, rigorous debate, diversity of thought, and following the actual science. We still sit here today spaced 6 feet apart, but don’t worry. After my speech ends, we will all gather together and whisper in each other’s ears, mask free! It’s like magic.]
Tonight, we meet as Democrats Republicans and Independents. But most importantly as Americans.
With a duty to one another to the American people to the Constitution.
And with an unwavering resolve that freedom will always triumph over tyranny.
[Tonight we meet as Americans (even those of you who snuck over the border) for the comedy show of all comedy shows, and boy do I have some wisecracks for you tonight! Oh, and forget about the previous two years. Freedom!]
Six days ago, Russia’s Vladimir Putin sought to shake the foundations of the free world thinking he could make it bend to his menacing ways. But he badly miscalculated.
[Six days ago, Putin thought he could imitate the US government and make the world bend to its menacing ways. But he badly miscalculated. The US government invades countries which Americans cannot find on a map. That way, the people don’t push back. Putin invaded its neighbor. Bad move, Putin.]
From President Zelenskyy to every Ukrainian, their fearlessness, their courage, their determination, inspires the world.
[Kamala Harris has educated us, “Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country called Russia. Russia is a bigger country. Russia decided to invade a smaller country called Ukraine so basically that’s wrong.”]
Please rise if you are able and show that, Yes, we the United States of America stand with the Ukrainian people.
[Please stand with the Yemen people … err I mean Ukrainian people. Did I say Yemen? Whoops. Nothing to see there.]
… the NATO Alliance was created to secure peace and stability in Europe after World War 2.
[The NATO Alliance was created to ensure that the European people vote for the democracy that we approve of. Oh, and to make sure Russia knows we’re right there on their border. We’re just sightseeing, no worries.]
Putin’s latest attack on Ukraine was premeditated and unprovoked.
[Putin’s latest attack on Ukraine has nothing to do with over 20 years of history. It all just started weeks ago. I don’t know why the crazy bastard would do such a thing!]
We are inflicting pain on Russia and supporting the people of Ukraine. Putin is now isolated from the world more than ever.
Together with our allies –we are right now enforcing powerful economic sanctions.
We are cutting off Russia’s largest banks from the international financial system.
[We are inflicting pain on the Russian people through sanctions and threats, because that’s all we know how to do. People say that this will only rally the Russian people around their government and that this will only exacerbate the war until it becomes a World War. But those people are stupid.]
The U.S. Department of Justice is assembling a dedicated task force to go after the crimes of Russian oligarchs.
We are joining with our European allies to find and seize your yachts your luxury apartments your private jets. We are coming for your ill-begotten gains.
And tonight I am announcing that we will join our allies in closing off American air space to all Russian flights – further isolating Russia – and adding an additional squeeze –on their economy. The Ruble has lost 30% of its value.
[We will now treat Russian-Americans the way we treat the unvaccinated.]
We are giving more than $1 Billion in direct assistance to Ukraine.
[We will continue providing billions of your money to the corrupt Ukrainian government as we have done for ~20 years. No worries, I am putting my son, Hunter Biden, in charge of ensuring the funding goes to a good cause.]
Let me be clear, our forces are not engaged and will not engage in conflict with Russian forces in Ukraine.
[Let me be clear, our forces are not engaged and will not engage in Ukraine. Pinky promise (fingers crossed).]
Our forces are not going to Europe to fight in Ukraine, but to defend our NATO Allies – in the event that Putin decides to keep moving west.
For that purpose we’ve mobilized American ground forces, air squadrons, and ship deployments to protect NATO countries including Poland, Romania, Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia.
As I have made crystal clear the United States and our Allies will defend every inch of territory of NATO countries with the full force of our collective power.
[Our forces will not be carrying guns to shoot things, but as fashion statements only. We will defend all 29 of the NATO countries against engagement with our fashion statements. Boy are we going to be busy … and broke.]
To all Americans, I will be honest with you, as I’ve always promised. A Russian dictator, invading a foreign country, has costs around the world.
[To all Americans, invading foreign countries has costs. We know this from our receipts.]
Tonight, I can announce that the United States has worked with 30 other countries to release 60 Million barrels of oil from reserves around the world.
America will lead that effort, releasing 30 Million barrels from our own Strategic Petroleum Reserve. And we stand ready to do more if necessary, unified with our allies.
[Like pissing in an ocean, we are releasing more of our oil from the strategic reserve. It hasn’t achieved its objective to date, but don’t lose faith you pessimists. What about natural gas, you ask? Uhh … ]
And unlike the $2 Trillion tax cut passed in the previous administration that benefitted the top 1% of Americans, the American Rescue Plan helped working people—and left no one behind.
And it worked. It created jobs. Lots of jobs.
In fact—our economy created over 6.5 Million new jobs just last year, more jobs created in one year than ever before in the history of America.
[We designated you sad saps as “unessential" so you lost your small businesses. But at least the big-boys like Walmart and Amazon made out like bandits! So then you all got jobs again, and you see, these are new jobs!]
Our economy grew at a rate of 5.7% last year, the strongest growth in nearly 40 years, the first step in bringing fundamental change to an economy that hasn’t worked for the working people of this nation for too long.
[I measure the rate of price inflation as the rate of economic growth.]
America used to have the best roads, bridges, and airports on Earth.
Now our infrastructure is ranked 13th in the world. …
That’s why it was so important to pass the Bipartisan Infrastructure Law—the most sweeping investment to rebuild America in history.
[I know infrastructure has always been our responsibility to manage, but we just need one more law and then we can finally do what we were supposed to be doing for our entire existence.]
This was a bipartisan effort, and I want to thank the members of both parties who worked to make it happen.
[This was a double-fisting gang-bang on the American people, and I want to thank the members of both parties who worked to make it happen.]
We’re done talking about infrastructure weeks.
We’re going to have an infrastructure decade.
[Pucker up America!]
We’ll build a national network of 500,000 electric veh\icle charging stations, begin to replace poisonous lead pipes—so every child—and every American—has clean water to drink at home and at school, provide affordable high-speed internet for every American—urban, suburban, rural, and tribal communities.
[I know for years we’ve failed to replace lead pipes for drinking water, but we’re going to have electric charging stations!]
The federal government spends about $600 Billion a year to keep the country safe and secure.
[We spend $600 billion a year to keep you “safe.” The other $6.2 trillion is spent on … well, uhhh, hell if I know!]
If you travel 20 miles east of Columbus, Ohio, you’ll find 1,000 empty acres of land.
It won’t look like much, but if you stop and look closely, you’ll see a “Field of dreams,” the ground on which America’s future will be built.
This is where Intel, the American company that helped build Silicon Valley, is going to build its $20 billion semiconductor “mega site”.
[I was inspired by Kevin Costner recently, so I gave Intel a sweet deal of taxpayer money. If you build corporatism, it will come!]
Ford is investing $11 billion to build electric vehicles, creating 11,000 jobs across the country.
GM is making the largest investment in its history—$7 billion to build electric vehicles, creating 4,000 jobs in Michigan.
[Ford and GM are investing billions of your money to make electric vehicles. Again, corporatism for the win!]
Inflation is robbing [families] of the gains they might otherwise feel.
I get it. That’s why my top priority is getting prices under control. …
I have a better plan to fight inflation. Lower your costs, not your wages.
[I have an idea! Now hear me out, it may sound strange, but it’s really simple. I will fight a rise in costs by lowering costs.]
My plan to fight inflation will lower your costs and lower the deficit.
17 Nobel laureates in economics say my plan will ease long-term inflationary pressures. Top business leaders and most Americans support my plan.
[I found 17 goofballs that say my plan is great.]
And here’s the plan:
First – cut the cost of prescription drugs. Just look at insulin. … let’s cap the cost of insulin at $35 a month so everyone can afford it. …
Second – cut energy costs for families an average of $500 a year by combatting climate change. … Lower the price of electric vehicles, …
Third – cut the cost of child care. Many families pay up to $14,000 a year for child care per child. …
All of these will lower costs.
[And here’s the plan:
First, I’m going to cap the price of insulin. It’s that easy. Hey, why don’t I just cap the price of everything while I’m at it? Surely it’s that easy?
Second, we’re going to start a war on climate change. It’ll save you money, trust us. Just like we said the Iraq war would pay for itself. We’re really good a starting wars. Winning them? Not so much. But you see, carbon dioxide is bad. Lithium is good!
Third, we’re going to cut the cost of child care. Well, we won’t actually cut the costs, but we will hide the costs by providing you “free” child care services. Don’t worry, you won’t realize that you’re actually paying for it when taxes come due.]
And under my plan, nobody earning less than $400,000 a year will pay an additional penny in new taxes. Nobody.
[Read my lips, no new taxes. Suckers.]
I’m not looking to punish anyone. But let’s make sure corporations and the wealthiest Americans start paying their fair share.
Just last year, 55 Fortune 500 corporations earned $40 billion in profits and paid zero dollars in federal income tax.
That’s simply not fair. That’s why I’ve proposed a 15% minimum tax rate for corporations.
[I’m not looking to punish anyone (other than those pesky unvaccinated idiots), but let’s make sure we make corporations pay their fair share. I know, I know, we’ve been subsidizing corporations for years. That’s simply not fair. I’m not going to stop the subsidization, but I will may it seem like I’m not a corporatist to you dumb people.]
We got more than 130 countries to agree on a global minimum tax rate so companies can’t get out of paying their taxes at home by shipping jobs and factories overseas.
[We have a global minimum tax rate agreement that will be an opportunity for the big-boy governments to bully developing countries who are trying to attract businesses and growth. The large corporations will support the deal, too. It crushes their competition as well. Did I mention my love of corporatism?]
So what are we waiting for? Let’s get this done. And while you’re at it, confirm my nominees to the Federal Reserve, which plays a critical role in fighting inflation.
[The Federal Reserve plays a critical role in fighting inflation by creating inflation. You see, the Fed can’t fight inflation if it doesn’t create it in the first place, dummy!]
We’re going after the criminals who stole billions in relief money meant for small businesses and millions of Americans.
And tonight, I’m announcing that the Justice Department will name a chief prosecutor for pandemic fraud.
[We’ve created a situation rife with corruption by throwing money out to everyone and their mother. So now we’re going to create jobs to search and destroy that corruption. Oh, and those jobs will be paid for by more of your tax dollars. But hey, job creation ain’t free people!]
Tonight, I’m announcing a crackdown on these companies overcharging American businesses and consumers.
[The Federal Reserve will continue destroying the value of your currency, hence lowering your standard of living. But listen folks, I will go after companies who sell their goods and services in exchange for that depreciating currency and I will make them eat the losses!]
Raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour and extend the Child Tax Credit, so no one has to raise a family in poverty.
[Now I realize with the rate of price inflation these days that a call for $15 an hour is now a call for oppression, but you people are too stupid to realize where the root of the problem lies (The Fed).]
For more than two years, COVID-19 has impacted every decision in our lives and the life of the nation.
And I know you’re tired, frustrated, and exhausted.
But I also know this.
Because of the progress we’ve made, because of your resilience and the tools we have, tonight I can say we are moving forward safely, back to more normal routines.
[For more than two years, we have impacted every decision in your lives, including that of your children, by implementing pseudoscientific, authoritarian policies. And I know you’re tied of our bull$&@*! But I also know this. Because people are finally coming around to realize the absurdity of our policies, and that they’ve been fooled into this state of hypochondriac psychosis, tonight I can say that the COVID theater is all magically disappearing! After all, I have a re-election campaign to prepare for. I can’t have all you people pissed off at me and my team of expert charlatans for much longer.]
Here are four common sense steps as we move forward safely.
First, stay protected with vaccines and treatments. We know how incredibly effective vaccines are. We will never give up on vaccinating more Americans. Now, I know parents with kids under 5 are eager to see a vaccine authorized for their children. …
We’re also ready with anti-viral treatments. If you get COVID-19, the Pfizer pill reduces your chances of ending up in the hospital by 90%. We’ve ordered more of these pills than anyone in the world. …
If you’re immunocompromised or have some other vulnerability, we have treatments and free high-quality masks. … And on testing, we have made hundreds of millions of tests available for you to order for free.
Second – we must prepare for new variants. Over the past year, we’ve gotten much better at detecting new variants. If necessary, we’ll be able to deploy new vaccines within 100 days instead of many more months or years. … And, if Congress provides the funds we need, we’ll have new stockpiles of tests, masks, and pills ready if needed. …
Third – we can end the shutdown of schools and businesses. We have the tools we need. …
We achieved this because we provided free vaccines, treatments, tests, and masks. Of course, continuing this costs money. I will soon send Congress a request. …
Fourth, we will continue vaccinating the world. We’ve sent 475 Million vaccine doses to 112 countries, more than any other nation. And we won’t stop. …
[Here are four common sense steps as we move forward.
First, Pfizer will get more of you $$$$! It doesn’t matter how ineffective their products are, or if their is additional health risks associated with them, we think your kids should have them, too! That’s a-whole-nother market that we need to help our corporate buddies gain access to.
Second, Pfizer will get more of your $$$$! And so will our corporate buddies making masks and test kits.
Third, we can end our destructive policies because you are all figuring out the use our “tools” are ineffective. We can only perpetuate the theater for so long. Of course, we will still continue giving Pfizer more of your $$$$!
Fourth, did I mention my good buddies at Pfizer will get more of your money?]
Let’s stop seeing each other as enemies, and start seeing each other for who we really are: Fellow Americans.
[Let’s stop seeing each other as enemies. Now I know I got many of you fired and then tried to get many more of you fired for not bending the knee. And I know I called this “a pandemic of the unvaccinated.” And I know now I’m turning up the Russophobian hate-meter on Russian people. But, to paraphrase Rodney King, “can’t we all just get along.”]
I know what works: Investing in crime prevention and community police officers who’ll walk the beat, who’ll know the neighborhood, and who can restore trust and safety.
So let’s not abandon our streets. Or choose between safety and equal justice. Let’s come together to protect our communities, restore trust, and hold law enforcement accountable.
[Investing in police officers is what works. Who do you think is going to confiscate all the people’s guns for us?
Oh and let’s hold police officers accountable. Forget that I ever advocated for the Police Officer’s Bill of Rights. That was back in the Rodney King days. We’re in the George Floyd days now, people.]
And I ask Congress to pass proven measures to reduce gun violence. Pass universal background checks. Why should anyone on a terrorist list be able to purchase a weapon?
[We can’t allow terrorists to purchase weapons. You see, we provide them to the terrorists free of charge.]
The most fundamental right in America is the right to vote – and to have it counted. And it’s under assault.
In state after state, new laws have been passed, not only to suppress the vote, but to subvert entire elections.
[The most fundamental right in America is the right to vote for people like me. Property rights? Ha! Those mean nothing. You see, I believe the entire election system is being subverted. Even I can’t believe 80 million people voted for me.]
So tonight I’m offering a Unity Agenda for the Nation. Four big things we can do together.
First, beat the opioid epidemic. There is so much we can do. Increase funding for prevention, treatment, harm reduction, and recovery. …
Second, let’s take on mental health. Especially among our children, whose lives and education have been turned upside down. …
As Frances Haugen, who is here with us tonight, has shown, we must hold social media platforms accountable for the national experiment they’re conducting on our children for profit. It’s time to strengthen privacy protections, ban targeted advertising to children, demand tech companies stop collecting personal data on our children.
Third, support our veterans. Veterans are the best of us. I’ve always believed that we have a sacred obligation to equip all those we send to war and care for them and their families when they come home. My administration is providing assistance with job training and housing, and now helping lower-income veterans get VA care debt-free.
Our troops in Iraq and Afghanistan faced many dangers. One was stationed at bases and breathing in toxic smoke from “burn pits” that incinerated wastes of war—medical and hazard material, jet fuel, and more. When they came home, many of the world’s fittest and best trained warriors were never the same.
Headaches. Numbness. Dizziness. A cancer that would put them in a flag-draped coffin. I know. One of those soldiers was my son Major Beau Biden. …
I’m also calling on Congress: pass a law to make sure veterans devastated by toxic exposures in Iraq and Afghanistan finally get the benefits and comprehensive health care they deserve.
And fourth, let’s end cancer as we know it. …
[So tonight I am offering a Unity Agenda. It doesn’t have much to do with unity, but it sounds good.
First, we will beat the opioid epidemic by giving addicts free kits that include clean hypodermic needles, rubber mouthpiece to prevent cuts and burns when smoking crack, brass screens for your crack pipe to filter contaminants, disinfectant wipes to ensure your drug use is a sanitary experience, and other paraphernalia. Unfortunately, the kits won’t include crack pipes as they are expensive relative to providing the rubber mouthpieces. But don’t worry, I know a guy.]
Second, lets undue all the mental problems we inflicted on the kids during our hysterical reaction to COVID-19. And we must hold social media platforms accountable, because they are not censoring enough of what we told them to censor. We must also stop them from collecting personal data on our children, unless we’re in the loop, of course.
Third, support our veterans. That is why we send them off to fight foreign wars in foreign nations for foreign governments without clear strategies, objectives, or endgames. Then when they come back, we kick ‘em when they’re down and give them government healthcare. Sounds great, right?!
Fourth, I’m going to end cancer. You just have to vote for me again, and I assure you, I will end cancer.]
We are the only nation on Earth that has always turned every crisis we have faced into an opportunity. …
[As my great friend Rahm would say, “never let a serious crisis go to waste.” This is our time to turn the screw on you, uh no, I mean help you.]
Now is our moment to meet and overcome the challenges of our time. And we will, as one people. … May God bless you all. May God protect our troops.
[Now is my moment to ensure I rally the people around the war against Russia. Otherwise, I have little chance of getting re-elected. May God bless you all, except of course, those unvaccinated bastards and the Russians. Oh, and God protect our troops because I’m escalating a war as I speak.]